Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
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We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
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I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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