'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
