If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
