I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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