Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
