i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
