On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
