Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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