watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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