if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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