Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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