Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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