I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
