Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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