sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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