im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
