I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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