ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
