the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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