i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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