if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He passed out mid-signature
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
