Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
