I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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