You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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