I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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