i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
