Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
