he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
