The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
