i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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