Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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