My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
