i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
