Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"