For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
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She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick