if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.