Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
