mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
