Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
