I swear god or herbie drove my car home
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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