Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
