I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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