The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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