I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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