I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
