He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
