just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
