3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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