he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, beer. Big fan.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
