I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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