I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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