Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
