So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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