When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
