I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
